I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
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*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.