I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
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It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
When I can’t barge, I careen.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
when someone compliments me
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?