My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
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Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time