Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
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That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Risking my life for fun.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys