After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
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The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug