[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
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I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own