In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
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just having fun
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.