*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
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<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians