*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
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Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Stop.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”