[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
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Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything