I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
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Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.