[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
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[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?