I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
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I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
that de-escalated quickly
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY