Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
You Might Also Like
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling