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when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Sharon I have some bad news
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.