I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
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[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
FRED: right
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Wait for it
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself