How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
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[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Important reminders
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”