Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
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Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Fight
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.