Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
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Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.