The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
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*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.