I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
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nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Finally a use for spoilers…
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”