Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
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Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Not even remotely sorry.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.