How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
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I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Saw online –
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Last-minute gift idea!
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me