I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
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unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Denise please return my vape pen
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I’m having an out of money experience.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.