I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
You Might Also Like
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire