Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
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THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.