finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
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Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
stand with me against insufficient seating
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Why is this me 😫
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.