Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
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A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
The dogs are drawn by their screams.