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“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Wake me when AI does housework
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped