“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
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we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Noted.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.