Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
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An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
No way!
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Meow
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.