‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
You Might Also Like
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…