FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
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If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Oh my God.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Unimpressed
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first