You Might Also Like
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Donkey Kong sommelier
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
My zodiac sign is pistachio
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!