It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
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You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it