LA today:
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Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
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5.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day