Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
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The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Finally!
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote