Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
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What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice