5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
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[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
#merica
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on