Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
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3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Remember folks 😂
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Something Saturday.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha