H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
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I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
A sick whale is called an unwhale
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.