Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
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“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
🛁
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
#inspiration #foodforthought
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.