I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
You Might Also Like
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”