Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
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If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Yes, but it was never about money
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?