How to make infinite energy.
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“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”