My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
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How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Time for evil
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET