“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
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When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
The options really are this bad
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Finished stitching this today 😇
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department