any last words?
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Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.