I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
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What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture