Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
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friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter